Comedy Writer for Hire
Sharp, absurdist one-liners & punch-ups that actually land.
Ryan Noyes — Humorist / Joke Mechanic
Honest on purpose. Disturbing by accident.
My writing lives somewhere between sincerity and a mild police report.I specialize in absurdist one-liners, character-driven micro-bits, and clean joke structure with unclean intentions.
One-Liners
My wife says I’m a beefcake. Not because I’m fit — because I’m full of cholesterol.I sleep so deep, I once had to get a refund from a funeral home.I tried living like a model… so I painted myself and stood on a shelf.I go to this gay pizzeria. I get the Meat Lover — and it always fills me up.I saw a cashier get robbed. I felt so bad for him, I let him keep his watch.I’m so shy I close my eyes in the shower.I once hit the gym, popped a squat, flushed, and left — lost three pounds.Framed a Picasso. He’s doing 20 to life.
Short Bit / Micro-Sketch
American Hibachi
You ever been to one of those hibachi grills?
The chef’s flipping shrimp, stacking onion volcanoes—it’s just a big spectacle.
It’s fun, you learn a lot about another culture, and it brings people together.What if America had one of those?You walk in, and the whole staff yells, “Howdy!”
They seat you at a griddle shaped like Texas.
The chef’s spinning his revolvers, lighting the grill with the muzzle flash.They don’t light oil—
they throw whiskey Molotov cocktails right into your bowl.
You can almost taste the freedom—just eat around the glass.They let a few cows loose in the dining room.
A couple cowboys ride in on tiny horses.
They lasso them up, start butchering them, flipping the knives in the air.
Kids are screaming, parents are filming,
they’re flinging cuts of beef right into the grill.You tip your server with gold nuggets you bend with your teeth.
You walk in hungry—
but you leave bloody and full of meat…
a true American.
Punch-Up Sample
Before:
“My browsing history is so dirty my PC exploded.”After:
“Last night’s browse was so dark, my PC exploded out of shame.”
What I Do
-One-liners, taglines, captions-Joke punch-ups-Character bits-Short sketches (30–90 seconds)-Comedy for social media, podcasts, shorts, or scripts
How I Work
-Dry, structured jokes with a surreal streak.
I ask a few questions, match your tone, and deliver options fast.Turnaround: Usually 24–48 hours
Delivery: Clean drafts, alt lines, and optional punch-ups
Pay me to be funny, so my wife stops asking when I’ll get a real job.